30/90

Warning: this post may contain whining. Read at your own risk!

I'm trying to stay positive. Really, I am. Trying oh so very hard.

If you had asked me yesterday how I felt about the past 30 days, I would have said positive things. I would have said in the past 30 days, I have gotten up every weekday morning at 4:45 am to work out before Adi and Jared get up and I'm proud of that commitment to myself. That I like my workouts - they are interesting, fast paced, and challenge me. I would have said that I am stronger and definitely more flexible. I would have said that my W30 eating has made me feel better, that I have more energy in general (still no tiger blood, but I didn't get that last time either). I would have said that I feel less bloated. That I am enjoying my food.

If you ask me today, you will probably get a less enthusiastic response. Why? Because today was my day 30, so I measured and weighed. And saw very little change in anything. I am down 1 inch around my hips and a total of 3/4 of an inch from both thighs. I have not lost any weight. And I am not okay with that. I want to be someone who doesn't care about the scale. Really. I do. But I'm not that person right now. I do care what the scale says. And it says almost 10 pounds higher than I was in September. I was 138 then (SO FREAKING CLOSE to my goal of 135). I'm 146 now. I am NOT okay with that.

I am trying very hard to be patient. Telling myself that I didn't put this weight on in a month and that it will not come off in a month. That the last 10 pounds is the hardest, that my body will fight me because it hasn't been this thin in a VERY (very) long time (like, since high school, people). But I am failing at being patient right now. I am frustrated. I am angry. And, truth be told, I am jealous of the success of others. Please don't misunderstand, I am thrilled for my friends that are losing because I know they are working SO. HARD. at this too. They deserve it! And I'm happy for them! But I am also jealous and that is not a productive or Christian thing to be. But I also think that admitting it is the first step toward overcoming it and finding a way to be productive, to change, to reach the goals that I have set for myself.

I have a lot of thinking to do. I need to think about my goals, and how I plan to reach them. I need to think about how I got below 140 last year - what did I do? How did I do it? What do I need to do to make it happen again?  I need to get over my jealousy and get my head in the right place, back in the game.