Love more, Worry less

I was in the shower after working out this morning (sorry for the mental picture), thinking about this workout program, my diet, and life in general. I've been a little disappointed in the way I've been feeling physically - the numbers on the scale aren't moving and my clothes aren't feeling any looser.  So as I was in the shower thinking this morning, I was running through my mental list of things that could possibly be keeping  me from loosing that last 10 pounds. 

Is it what I'm eating? Probably not. I've made some pretty significant changes to what and how much I'm eating. Green veggies with almost every meal, fewer root veggies, rare dried fruits or other sweets, careful consideration of portion sizes. 

Is it how I'm working out? Probably not - I'm exercising 6 days a week for at least 30 minutes (P90X3). Adding some extra workouts a few times a week (treadmill or the P90X ab ripper workout). 

Is it stress? Maybe. I'm working very hard to respond better to stress. Some of that has been through exercise. Some has been just through forcing myself to take a step back and take a deep breath. Distance myself from things for a few minutes (time out for mama!).

Am I sleeping? Yes. Like a rock. 10pm - 4:45am every week day, 10pm - 6ish on the weekends. More on nights that I fall asleep on the couch. Could I sleep more? Not without cutting out my workouts, so no, not really. I'm sleeping well, not waking up, not tossing and turning. 

Spiritual life? Pretty good. We have a great church family, we are involved, we are active in our walk. 

Etc, etc, etc...

As I mentally ran through this list as if I was talking to a friend, something hit me. Maybe I'm just too worried. Too caught up with everything. Maybe, just maybe, if I try to love everything a bit more, relax a bit more, enjoy a bit more and not be so caught up with the details and what ifs and the hows and whens and whys, maybe then I would be happier. Maybe I am stressing about this more than I realize. Because I really do love where I am in my life right now. Is it hard? Hell yes. But it's also pretty awesome. I have an amazing husband and little girl. I love my job, even if it does have days that make me question my sanity. I have lost over 20 pounds since starting this journey and am at a weight I haven't seen since my undergrad days when I was working in a barn 8-10 hours a day.  So maybe, just maybe, what I need is to love more and worry less.

I'm still working out what that looks like in my life, but I do know one thing. I don't love the scale. Or the tape measure. Or thinking about the size of my jeans. So those things are banished from thought right now. I'll think about them later. Right now, I want to focus on me. On feeling good. On my family. On my job. Right now, I want to love more, worry less.

Moving forward

Okay, I promise this blog post won't be as whiny as the last one. I won't say I'm over the whiny-ness, but I'm trying to move on, think more positively, and come up with an action plan.  I don't think I ever actually wrote out my goals for the P90X3 challenge, which I'm 30 days into (out of 90). So let's start with that:

1. Target weight: 135 eventually, below 140 in this 90 days (I started at 146).
2. Work out 6 days a week; Sunday's are rest days.
3. Whole 30 for the first 30 days, and then very close to Whole 30 for the remaining 60.

So now that the first thirty days are over, I'm ready to make some extra changes. I went back and read through my blog from last fall, when I was successful in getting weight off and was at my lowest. What was working for me seemed to be 1) running a few times a week, 2) portion control, and 3) lots of green veggies (mostly salads then). Not rocket science. Not anything crazy. Pretty straight forward.  So I'm going to check in with my trainer on my goals and the changes I want to make to make sure he's okay with them, but here's my plan going forward:

1. Nutrition: Increase the green veggies and salads, decrease the amount of root veggies (typically higher starch/carb)

2. Portion control: I've been having appetite issues. Some days I'm just not hungry. So one of the things I want to really work on is eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full. I don't have that bloated, stuffed, overeating feeling when I'm done eating, but I'm also not hungry at the next meal time, which suggests to me that I may be eating too much overall.

3. Running: I want to add running back in, both because I enjoy it, and because it has helped my body in the past. I haven't decided exactly how I'm going to do this - maybe 15 minutes before or after each workout? Or three 30 minute sessions in evenings/weekends throughout the week? I need to think about it a little more, but want to incorporate it. I also want to run a few more races this spring/summer, so don't want to lose all of my conditioning (although the cardio workouts in P90X3 are definitely good and helpful for that as well).  There's also the option to do the "Doubles Schedule" for P90X3, which is two of the workouts each day (or a few days a week), which I'm also considering.

4. Stress relief: Okay, so honestly, this was an afterthought for me. When I went back and re-read my post it struck me that I should probably put this in. Because stress is a big deal for a lot of reasons. And while I'm not under any traumatic sort of stress, I do have a lot of things going on this semester (lots of teaching and keeping up with the research at work, keeping up with things at home, etc).  So I should have some sort of stress relief plan, right? and that's where my brain fails. I'm bad at this part of it. I have a massage gift certificate (Thanks baby!!) that I need to use. And I need to just remember to take some time for me once or twice a week to "refresh." Maybe that's running time? or riding? But there has to be some sort of stress relief built in to my schedule.

So there. My less whiny, planning post. Now it's time to put it into action. And remind myself to stop comparing myself to others. Repeat after me: "n of 1, n of 1..."

30/90

Warning: this post may contain whining. Read at your own risk!

I'm trying to stay positive. Really, I am. Trying oh so very hard.

If you had asked me yesterday how I felt about the past 30 days, I would have said positive things. I would have said in the past 30 days, I have gotten up every weekday morning at 4:45 am to work out before Adi and Jared get up and I'm proud of that commitment to myself. That I like my workouts - they are interesting, fast paced, and challenge me. I would have said that I am stronger and definitely more flexible. I would have said that my W30 eating has made me feel better, that I have more energy in general (still no tiger blood, but I didn't get that last time either). I would have said that I feel less bloated. That I am enjoying my food.

If you ask me today, you will probably get a less enthusiastic response. Why? Because today was my day 30, so I measured and weighed. And saw very little change in anything. I am down 1 inch around my hips and a total of 3/4 of an inch from both thighs. I have not lost any weight. And I am not okay with that. I want to be someone who doesn't care about the scale. Really. I do. But I'm not that person right now. I do care what the scale says. And it says almost 10 pounds higher than I was in September. I was 138 then (SO FREAKING CLOSE to my goal of 135). I'm 146 now. I am NOT okay with that.

I am trying very hard to be patient. Telling myself that I didn't put this weight on in a month and that it will not come off in a month. That the last 10 pounds is the hardest, that my body will fight me because it hasn't been this thin in a VERY (very) long time (like, since high school, people). But I am failing at being patient right now. I am frustrated. I am angry. And, truth be told, I am jealous of the success of others. Please don't misunderstand, I am thrilled for my friends that are losing because I know they are working SO. HARD. at this too. They deserve it! And I'm happy for them! But I am also jealous and that is not a productive or Christian thing to be. But I also think that admitting it is the first step toward overcoming it and finding a way to be productive, to change, to reach the goals that I have set for myself.

I have a lot of thinking to do. I need to think about my goals, and how I plan to reach them. I need to think about how I got below 140 last year - what did I do? How did I do it? What do I need to do to make it happen again?  I need to get over my jealousy and get my head in the right place, back in the game.