Sustainability

Sustainability.

That's a buzz word right now, in agriculture, in environmental sciences, in many other areas.

Sustainability (noun): The ability to be sustained, supported, upheld or confirmed.

Sustain (verb):
1) to support, hold, or bear up from below; bear the weight of, as a structure.
2) to bear (a burden, charge, etc.).
3) to undergo, experience, or suffer (injury, loss, etc.); endure without giving way or yielding.
4) to keep (a person, the mind, the spirits, etc.) from giving way, as under trial or affliction.
5) to keep up or keep going, as an action or process; "to sustain a conversation."
6) to supply with food, drink, and other necessities of life.
7) to provide for (an institution or the like) by furnishing means or funds

(Definitions from Dictionary.com)

Did you read that up there? To keep from giving way, to keep up or keep going, to supply with food, drink and the other necessities of life? Right now, I'm all about finding things that are sustainable. That help keep me in balance. Because while the last year has had it's good moments, it has not been pretty in so many ways, and one of them is my health/fitness. And that is one thing that I do have control over.  However, over the past year, I've also come to realize that there are some things that I need for this process to be sustainable. Because clearly, what I did before is not sustainable, otherwise this graph:

would look very differently. So this year, rather than making any resolutions to make big changes to my lifestyle, exercise or diet, I'm focusing on small changes that are hopefully more sustainable. So here they are:

1. Eat mindfully. This means being aware of what I'm eating and consciously making decisions to eat/not eat as well as what to eat.  I am tracking my intake/journaling because it keeps me honest and forces me to consider what I eat. Eventually, I hope i don't need to rely on a journal, but that's in the future. 

2. Increasing movement. This means so much but again, I am not taking huge swings. There's a lot going on in my life right now and some of that means that I either don't have time or don't have the energy to make time to work out every day. So the goal is one run a week, and buying a fitness tracker to make me mindful of being active during the day (thinking about a Garmin Forerunner 15, but not sure yet). 

3. I also signed up for JillFit's Moderation365 course, which I hope will help get me started this year. 

So here's to starting my journey again. I've walked this road before, and can do it again. My hope, prayer, and dream is that I can do it in a way that is healthy (physically, mentally, and spiritually) and sustainable. 

Miscellaneous thoughts

Just some random thoughts from the first week or so...

1. Weekends are hard. Especially weekends that include fairs. Or parties. Or other fun things that include food. BUT, even with those things, I can still add in exercise and meet my goals while enjoying a LITTLE bit of those things. This weekend, I managed to do well at listening to my body one day and not so well another day. But it's a step forward.

2. I'm getting more exercise than I had planned. No, I'm not running much. Or working out.  BUT, I forgot about all of the animal handling and walking I do at work. After being sore much of the week, I realized how much I really do that is active at work.  Plus, we've been building a big swingset/playset for Adi and I've been painting/drilling/screwing/carrying heavy boards around. So bonus points for that.

3. Gotta keep working on getting in the water.  I can really tell when I haven't had enough water (dry lips and all).

4. Lost 2.5 lbs! Go me!

Onward and upward (or downward??)!

Big

Ok, this started as an email to two really close friends. But the way it ended up, it felt like a blog post. So I'm putting it out there.

_ _ _ _ _

Warning: this is going to be a long vent/rant. And may be TMI in some places (although, maybe not for you ladies, since you both know so much about me already). But I'm really frustrated and really need to get it out there and knew the two of you would understand. 

So my weight has been slowly creeping back on. I've known this for the past 12 months or so and I've intermittently worked to do something about it but haven't stuck with anything for longer than a few weeks. If I was doing a Whole30, I wasn't watching portion sizes or exercising. If I wasn't, it alternated between a free-for-all, eating whatever I wanted, or being miserable and feeling like there were all of these things that I "couldn't eat" and then overeating things I felt like I "could."  And coupled with the crazy stress of my job in the last four months, everything has just gone to hell in a hand basket. 

The first thing I noticed is that I wasn't waking up hungry for breakfast in the morning. Ding, ding, ding! Clue #1! But what really set it off was that my chest is getting bigger (sorry, maybe TMI for some of you out there). And the last place on my body that gets bigger is, well, by chest. CRAP. Couple that with a size up in pants, which fit loosely but are more comfortable than my 10's. And then I got on the scale this morning. 158. @&#%(@#%&@(%^ That was my weight when I started losing everything TWO. YEARS. AGO. Last summer, I hit 138, the lowest I've been since high school. Since then, it has slowly (and not so slowly) crept back on. My acne is back. My knees hurt. And I'm grumpy because I feel fat and old and sore. 

So please forgive my frustration and my venting, but it's cathartic to write. It helps me release all of that so I can actually channel the frustration and come up with a plan. Because let's face it, the way my schedule is right now, and is going to be for the next 6-8 months, planning exercise in to my day is not likely to be a feasible daily/every-other-day activity. But what I can control is the food that goes into my mouth, right?  So my plan is to work hard on my portion control, eating good, whole foods. I'm not going to be terribly restrictive. Some dairy is okay, very limited grains, trying to avoid refined sugar if at all possible. Because eating veggies and meats and fruits is what makes me feel better. And if I work hard at portion control, some of this weight should come off. I've also been really bad about my water intake as my schedule has gotten increasingly busy. 

So goals for this week:

1. 60 oz of water per day

Plan to reach this goal: Fill water bottle the night before, bring with lunch. Keep second water bottle full at work. Drink all before leaving or on way home. 

2. Portion control

Plan to reach this goal: Purposely pick small portions of everything at each meal. Go back for more only after finishing and sitting for a few minutes. Work to recognize and appreciate the feeling of hunger. 

Catching up

I've been absent for awhile. Blogger says my last post was March 23, where I set out a plan for getting and staying on track.  I wish I could say that I'd carried though, that I'd followed my plans, that I'd been successful.  But I didn't.  I did survive the spring semester, which was my hardest one yet due to my increased teaching load (a voluntary decision).  I ran a 5k in April and a 10k in early June.  I struggled through the 10k but finished. I wasn't as prepared as I wanted to be. I was 10lb heavier than when I ran it in 2013.  The only reason my time was close to last year was because it was 20 degrees cooler. So, am I glad I did it? Yes. Am I proud that I did it? Yes, to that too.

But since then, I've allowed myself treat after treat, so much so that treats were no longer treats but were almost every day occurrences.  Oh, Dunkin Donuts, how I do love your coffee rolls. But they give me coffee rolls of my own and once I start, I can't stop. And I've come to accept that I really don't like to run in the heat.  I'd MUCH rather run in the cold. So after I finished the 10k in June, I have run very little.

But I'm not happy.  I've put on weight that I don't want. I've lost fitness and strength that I wish I still had. I've been grumpy because I'm not happy and the food I was eating was making me feel bloated and upset, yet all I seemed to think about was where the next treat was coming from.  So after a few weeks of on-and-off travel, Jared and I decided to start another Whole30.  We're 5 days in. I'm not feeling 100% yet (it's still early) but I have come to appreciate that I already feel a little better.  The sugar dragon is still there. But the things I'm having are less harmful than what I would have before. A handful of raisins vs a handful of chocolates.  A piece of fruit and some almonds vs. a coffee roll. Better choices. One choice at a time, and there is still room to improve.

I'm hoping my attitude will come around, too.  I'm still stressed out about a bunch of things at work, which is contributing to the desire to eat poorly AND to the grumpiness. And I need to add exercise back in, in some form.  I'm going running with some friends tomorrow, which is like double therapy - running and adult time with good friends.  And, as pointed out by a wonderful friend (and someone who holds me accountable), blogging is also wonderful therapy.  So for those of you reading, thank you.  And if I whine, or complain, or am generally annoying in some other way, please forgive me.  I'm grateful that you're here, that you're reading, and I hope you find some help in these pages, but this blog is ultimately a tool for me to bring together my thoughts.

Moving Forward

After my last post, a good friend sent me a text message, the gist of which was "move forward." (of course, she put it much more nicely :) ).  It was appropriate and was absolutely what I needed to hear.  It never fails to amaze me how the Lord works through my friends and family to get me the message I need to hear (but that's a whole other blog...).  But I have been thinking and working through some of this mentally.  I have not been eating well and I have been slacking on my exercise. Honestly, while I'm not thrilled with this, it's also been a nice break from being SO concerned with what is going in to my mouth every minute and have I worked out yet today and am I doing X, Y, and Z? I think I've just needed a break. This isn't a sprint. I have time. Whatever I'm doing needs to be sustainable and clearly what I was doing wasn't sustainable for me.  So I've come up with a few things to try. Back to my n = 1 experiment, right?  So here's the plan, subject to refinement and/or change at any point in time. :)

Exercise:
Mon/Wed/Fri - some form of yoga or Pilates. These are two of the workouts that I really enjoyed from P90X3 so I'll likely continue these. I may do the AbRipperX workout one of these days in place of, or in addition to, yoga or Pilates. I may also throw in one of the other workouts every once in awhile to change things up.

Tues/Thurs/Sat - Running! Yay! This just makes me happier.  I'll likely do one day of intervals (treadmill), try one day of sprints (treadmill), and on Saturday or Sunday, do a longer run (4-5 miles) outside. I have a race the end of April with a friend that I need to get ready for!

Nutrition:
I'm going to stay mostly Paleo, but not strictly Whole30. So what does that mean? My food will mostly look like this:

Notice that it says Often, Sometimes and Rarely. Not Always and Never. Not Yes and No.

In addition to that, I'm going to start tracking what I eat with MyFitnessPal again. I need the accountability of a food journal and want to watch calorie intake as well as the type of food I'm eating.

Stress Management:
Survive until May. Just kidding (but not really).  Take it easier on myself and others about the little stuff. Running will help with the stress relief. Remind myself that 100% isn't necessary. Perfect is not the goal. Loving life is the goal, and that's hard to do when I'm searching for perfection.

So that's the plan. Life lessons, right?

Checking in

Once again, I'm not sure what to write here. Or how to start this. There are a lot of thoughts swirling around my head so I'm just going to try to get them all out "on paper."

First, my nutrition has not been great lately. I've definitely been making some poor decisions. In fact, today I had an apple fritter and some thin mints. Most days, my meals are okay, but I have been snacking and those have not been healthy choices. The other thing I've been struggling with is feeling like a role model and feeling "pressure" from others, even though I'm sure they don't see it that way at all.  There are several friends I've introduced to the Whole 30/Paleo type of eating and although I have no doubts that they know I'm not perfect, I feel like every time I'm eating something not Paleo, that someone is going to catch me. Yes, it's a little ridiculous. I can hardly imagine what it must be like for "real" Paleo bloggers who have a much, much, much larger following than me. One of the things I need to consider is what Paleo looks like for me, and for our family.  What do we include? What don't we include?  And I need some more variety - as much as I love chicken salad and tuna salad, I'm really tired of having that for lunch.  I can't wait for summer veggies/salads!

My exercise has been so-so. I really miss running. I'm not 100% in love with P90X3 but I am feeling guilty considering stopping it with just a few weeks to finish. Running and doing the P90X3 on the same day isn't feasible but doing a combination of the two within a week is a possibility.  I don't know what to do about this. I felt GREAT after running on Saturday and the daylight and warmer temps this week have me itching to get out and run. I like the idea of cross training by adding in the P90X3 workouts. I feel badly about ditching my group, though, so may stick it out until the end of the 90 days. 

Stress. Ugh, stress. This is a big one for me. Work is really, really busy right now, and will only get busier until the end of April. We're busy at home, too. And honestly, the stress of trying to keep up with P90X3, the nutrition, and everything else is becoming overwhelming and not helping my productivity in ANYTHING. So again, not sure what I'm going to do or where to go from here, but I feel the need to make some sort of change. It's just going to require some more thought/consideration before I do it. 

Love more, Worry less

I was in the shower after working out this morning (sorry for the mental picture), thinking about this workout program, my diet, and life in general. I've been a little disappointed in the way I've been feeling physically - the numbers on the scale aren't moving and my clothes aren't feeling any looser.  So as I was in the shower thinking this morning, I was running through my mental list of things that could possibly be keeping  me from loosing that last 10 pounds. 

Is it what I'm eating? Probably not. I've made some pretty significant changes to what and how much I'm eating. Green veggies with almost every meal, fewer root veggies, rare dried fruits or other sweets, careful consideration of portion sizes. 

Is it how I'm working out? Probably not - I'm exercising 6 days a week for at least 30 minutes (P90X3). Adding some extra workouts a few times a week (treadmill or the P90X ab ripper workout). 

Is it stress? Maybe. I'm working very hard to respond better to stress. Some of that has been through exercise. Some has been just through forcing myself to take a step back and take a deep breath. Distance myself from things for a few minutes (time out for mama!).

Am I sleeping? Yes. Like a rock. 10pm - 4:45am every week day, 10pm - 6ish on the weekends. More on nights that I fall asleep on the couch. Could I sleep more? Not without cutting out my workouts, so no, not really. I'm sleeping well, not waking up, not tossing and turning. 

Spiritual life? Pretty good. We have a great church family, we are involved, we are active in our walk. 

Etc, etc, etc...

As I mentally ran through this list as if I was talking to a friend, something hit me. Maybe I'm just too worried. Too caught up with everything. Maybe, just maybe, if I try to love everything a bit more, relax a bit more, enjoy a bit more and not be so caught up with the details and what ifs and the hows and whens and whys, maybe then I would be happier. Maybe I am stressing about this more than I realize. Because I really do love where I am in my life right now. Is it hard? Hell yes. But it's also pretty awesome. I have an amazing husband and little girl. I love my job, even if it does have days that make me question my sanity. I have lost over 20 pounds since starting this journey and am at a weight I haven't seen since my undergrad days when I was working in a barn 8-10 hours a day.  So maybe, just maybe, what I need is to love more and worry less.

I'm still working out what that looks like in my life, but I do know one thing. I don't love the scale. Or the tape measure. Or thinking about the size of my jeans. So those things are banished from thought right now. I'll think about them later. Right now, I want to focus on me. On feeling good. On my family. On my job. Right now, I want to love more, worry less.